My client, Mr Smith, is accused of driving at fifty miles per hour in a thirty zone, going through three red lights, and nearly knocking over a little old lady before crashing into a parked police car. Now, I should make clear that dangerous driving is a very serious matter. I would be the first to admit that. However, it is too serious to be treated in such a trivial manner. The way that Mr Smith has been practically put on trial by this court is nothing short of Orwellian.
Let’s look at the facts, rather than the authoritarian doublethink propagated by the left. The requirement that car owners drive ‘safely’ and ‘without carelessness’ is just the kind of PC coddling that so-called liberals push on us. Instead of trusting us to be adults, the authoritarian left has created these increasingly vague categories to control us and make our roads into a ‘safe space’. In fact, they use ‘the police’ to literally police our behaviour. Once upon a time, the left stood for individual liberty, but now this is no more than a sham.
Instead, the liberal left now adheres to the dangerous dogma of identity politics. Mr Smith is a man – worse still, a white man – who happens not to adhere to the latest trendy groupthink, and so he is vilified for this. (You will notice that many – a majority, even – of cases against so-called ‘dangerous driving’ are made against white men.) You have heard the statements from Mrs. Muggins and WPC Jones. How convenient that they chime with the feminist agenda that the hyperpatriarchal cishet men are ‘dangerous’! What might have begun as an innocuous campaign in favour of ‘road safety’ has become something much darker. In a completely appropriate and in no way grossly over the top metaphor, my client is the victim of a modern day witch hunt.
So now my client finds himself on trial, at the mercy of an authoritarian liberal left which loves to sit in judgement over other people. It’s not about individual justice, it’s about collective vengeance – the judgement of an Oxbridge educated, Guardian-reading caste who claim to represent justice on behalf of ‘the people’, but actually despise, fear and sneer at them. They think that they can put the plebs in their place – but the members of the jury have had enough. I implore you, just as you voted for Brexit in the single greatest working class revolt in human history, reject this anti-democratic elite!
Your lordship, the defence rests.